Sexuality is a trending topic. And it probably always will be. There’s something fascinating about knowing the intimate details about who others choose to engage with, sexually. But does your sexuality mean that the end goal of every connection, especially with those you’re attracted to, is sex? As Gerald reveals, not always. Finding someone attractive isn’t synonymous with immediately wanting to find a way to sleep with them. And there’s a name for it, too: demisexual.
A big part of my sexuality is that I identify as demisexual. Romantic interactions with people will generally lead to a sexual nature, if you want to get there. But for me, it isn’t my main drive. If anything, it can turn me off if it comes too soon. The same applies to physical contact that happens too soon; if I don’t have that connection then that physical desire is lacking.
One of the ways I’ve been able to understand this is through crushes–or the fact that I’ve never had any. When people enter my life and are very attractive, I don’t usually lay my gaze on them for very long; they don’t matter to me because I don’t have a connection with them. And just because a lot of other people find someone attractive doesn’t really mean I will want to go above and beyond to connect with them.
It’s not that I can’t appreciate attraction, it just doesn’t motivate me to act differently around someone. However, as I get to know a person more, the more likely I’m going to find them attractive physically. Oftentimes, I find that even people who may not be the most attractive to others look more and more physically attractive to me when I let them in my life and allow them to show their great personalities.
A big part of my sexuality is that I identify as demisexual. Romantic interactions with people will generally lead to a sexual nature, if you want to get there. But for me, it isn’t my main drive. If anything, it can turn me off if it comes too soon.
So, for me, my attraction to another person is all built on time, and the process of creating that connection takes me a little bit longer than others. Now, I don’t know if it is me being demisexual or just having a lot of walls, but being able to get to know someone at a deeper level leads to everything else, not the other way around.
And if you were to ask me why I have so many walls, my answer would be that I honestly don’t know. I’ve had them for a long time–for as long as I can remember. It’s probably from being afraid of losing it or having my sense of stability negatively affected because I value the middle path and having a good balance. For me, having walls up helps me stay in the middle ground versus going from one extreme to another.
When I experience strong emotions, I talk a lot more and I don’t have as much of a filter, and I don’t necessarily know how to handle it. If it is a lower level of intensity, I manage it with music, writing, or movies. But when it’s been building up for a while, I have to do something, say something–take action.
And when that happens, I find myself trying to figure out what I just did or said, and try to understand why I did it. There’s a lot of me trying to backtrack because it is almost as if I was in a daze and had no control, which happens the most when I’m in love.
For me, my attraction to another person is all built on time, and the process of creating that connection takes me a little bit longer than others…[getting to know] someone at a deeper level leads to everything else, not the other way around.
But I think a lot of it can be attributed to trust. Trusting the other person to love you back. Trusting your feelings. Trusting their feelings. And being able to maintain what you have both built together. And if it’s rooted in trust, it is also about fear. Fear that the other person doesn’t love you the same way or as much. Fear that you’re going to lose everything you care about because of that fear.
In my last relationship, we connected in many ways. But there was something that was lacking, that needed to go deeper to solidify us. So I spent the whole relationship looking for whatever that thing was, and how we could develop it to make our relationship stronger. I never found it, and eventually the relationship ended. But I still want that deep connection, and I believe that one day I will find it.